Today, I am having a little bit of a breakdown. Just a little one. But I'm worried it could build into a monumental one. So I'm going to try to let it out before that happens...
I have 2.5 weeks left of surgery. So 2.5 weeks down. It is going just fine I think...not stellar but I don't hate it and I'm not getting yelled at every day, which is nice. However, at this point it is time for my mid-point evaluation. I asked my resident for an informal eval, and he said "Yea, you're doing fine. You show up, you see your patients, you seem interested". Now, this sounds fine, but for someone who has Honored the clinical part of every rotation, he said pretty bland things without a lot of enthusiasm, which translates (to me) to mean nothing too great. So I pressed him a little further, "Is there anything I can improve on? I do really well with negative feedback, I'm not going to go cry about it or anything". And his response? "No. I can't really think of anything you need to improve on". Again, unenthusiastic and completely unhelpful. I'm worried he's thinking terrible things he's not saying. But I tried to ask, right? I did my best to try to do better, and he has nothing concrete to give me. So I guess just keep doing what I'm doing? Since I asked, I had better not fail for not meeting expectations. I'm worried about it, but not too much because I don't know what else to do about it.
This also means that I have 2.5 weeks until my "double shelf" day...2 "Shelf" exams in one day (OB and surgery). This was a dumb idea from the beginning (I fully blame the administration for this one), and people are legitimately failing these exams due to them being on the same day. 2.5 weeks sounds like a long time to study, but when I'm working and/or exhausted most of the time, it's hard to study. And it is SOOOO much information! I don't want to fail these tests because I just don't want to have to take them again. I just want to pass! I think I will, but I don't want to be overconfident.
Lastly, I'm a little down and lost lately. Just feeling a little lonely and "stuck" and tired of being so focused on school. I need a little break and I'm not really going to get one. This is my first summer EVER without a break, and I think maybe I'm feeling it. I can relax more after Surgery is over, but (like I've said before), I'm kinda ready to get along with the rest of my life and be done with school. Less than 1 year left until graduation (333 days to be exact...and yes I just calculated that). I guess just keep pushing through. One step at a time...just get through these next 2.5 weeks, and then worry about the rest later.
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...
