Wow, so many posts recently! Just thinkin a lot I guess, and I have much more time!
I've been thinking about what a rollercoaster my thoughts have been for the last while. I simultaneously hold two totally opposite opinions about something. I am excited and blase, angry and crushed, hopeful and downtrodden. I do not ever remember being this confused with myself in my whole life. I thought your 20's were supposed to be about finding yourself and loving your life and having everything just fall into place. I hope this is not my only opportunity for those things to happen because if so then the rest of my life will be like being on the ocean during a hurricane in a tug boat.
I just wish I knew what was going on most of the time. I wish I knew how I felt about everything that happened to me instead of being able to see both sides of any situation. I should know if something will make me mad or if I will think it is funny, but somehow I usually don't!
Someone asked me the other day what I like to do, and literally the words out of my mouth were "I don't know". Now, I would like to think that I do know, but I really needed to sit down and think about it. I like to read, I like to sleep, ..... yea, I don't know! I know that I am up for anything; I will go see a movie or go to the zoo or go for a hike or go out for a drink, but what do I, Heather, actually like? When I have nothing to do, what do I think to do? The answer to that is usually nothing; I usually just end up sitting around and watching TV or being lazy. And that's what it is, I am lazy. Because, again, once I get up and do some of those other things I usually have a great time. I just never think to do them or plan them. I don't know what I need to do to get some motivation; being in med school you'd think I had motivation but I guess I only have it academically.
This has been sufficiently long and random and kind of dumpy, so I think I'll quit. I just wanted to remember that I did feel this confused at one time in my life.
9.29.2009
9.28.2009
Respite
Ah, intersessions week. This week I am in the classroom once again, 8-5, with no off hours, both last weekend and this weekend off, and basically no studying to do. This is going to be glorious! I worked out today, did laundry, etc. Nice to relax.
Unfortunately, my mind keeps going back to my test on Friday...eek, eek, eek! It was hands down the hardest test I have ever taken. Boards...psh! They have NOTHING on this Shelf. I am a VERY fast test taker usually, but I barely finished this exam; almost no one else I talked to finished. Granted, I was absolutely whipping through it and had no time to really think about any of the answers...it was pure gut feeling. Scary! It'll be quite a while before I hear back about how I did.
While Friday morning was scary, D and I went to a concert with our guy friends, M and N. Long story short, D and I ended up walking out of the concert alone, wandering around looking for the lightrail stop, getting talked to by a CREEPER, riding 40 minutes back, and then walking back to our apartment at 12:30am. Freakin' trip. And don't worry, M and N never texted us to make sure we got home ok.
Saturday night I hung out with C, his friends from high school, his brother, and some of his brother's friends. I had a pretty darn good time! I didn't know anyone there except C; he was not attached to my hip and I certainly wasn't going to follow him around like a puppy dog, so I was forced to socialize with these people. I forgot how much I like meeting new people and just talking; when I have my confident boots on it is SO fun. That is a part of me that died and I'm excited that it's coming back. It was intimidating, but I had fun. Trying to decide if it is good or bad that he took me to hang out with his friends and his brother...I think good because he's not making me a secret but maybe bad because he didn't want to hang out alone? I'm leaning more towards good. Hopefully we'll hang out again.
Unfortunately, my mind keeps going back to my test on Friday...eek, eek, eek! It was hands down the hardest test I have ever taken. Boards...psh! They have NOTHING on this Shelf. I am a VERY fast test taker usually, but I barely finished this exam; almost no one else I talked to finished. Granted, I was absolutely whipping through it and had no time to really think about any of the answers...it was pure gut feeling. Scary! It'll be quite a while before I hear back about how I did.
While Friday morning was scary, D and I went to a concert with our guy friends, M and N. Long story short, D and I ended up walking out of the concert alone, wandering around looking for the lightrail stop, getting talked to by a CREEPER, riding 40 minutes back, and then walking back to our apartment at 12:30am. Freakin' trip. And don't worry, M and N never texted us to make sure we got home ok.
Saturday night I hung out with C, his friends from high school, his brother, and some of his brother's friends. I had a pretty darn good time! I didn't know anyone there except C; he was not attached to my hip and I certainly wasn't going to follow him around like a puppy dog, so I was forced to socialize with these people. I forgot how much I like meeting new people and just talking; when I have my confident boots on it is SO fun. That is a part of me that died and I'm excited that it's coming back. It was intimidating, but I had fun. Trying to decide if it is good or bad that he took me to hang out with his friends and his brother...I think good because he's not making me a secret but maybe bad because he didn't want to hang out alone? I'm leaning more towards good. Hopefully we'll hang out again.
9.24.2009
Re-do
Hmm. Now that I have been thinking about this more, I think I thought my date went better than C thought it went. The more I microanalyze it the more I pick up on little signs that maybe it wasn't going as well as I thought. Just little comments he made or just a vibe I was getting. But then there were other signs that it was going pretty darn well...if I'm interpreting those signs right that is.
I am crazy. I'm sure that I am making way too big a deal about this...I mean who cares if he calls or not? It was one date, it happens all the time that first dates don't go on to second dates. It really is not a big deal. And on the other hand, just because I haven't heard from him at all today and he didn't end up coming over last night to go swimming (he was at his brother's and was planning on leaving at 10 but didn't end up leaving til later, he did tell me that part) does not mean it was a bad date. I think it just means that it wasn't a great date. Or he's just a player. Or, back to the beginning, I'm crazy and getting way WAY too detailed with this.
I don't have time for this! My test is tomorrow, I need to stop obsessing over everything except Internal Medicine topics. Bah!
I am crazy. I'm sure that I am making way too big a deal about this...I mean who cares if he calls or not? It was one date, it happens all the time that first dates don't go on to second dates. It really is not a big deal. And on the other hand, just because I haven't heard from him at all today and he didn't end up coming over last night to go swimming (he was at his brother's and was planning on leaving at 10 but didn't end up leaving til later, he did tell me that part) does not mean it was a bad date. I think it just means that it wasn't a great date. Or he's just a player. Or, back to the beginning, I'm crazy and getting way WAY too detailed with this.
I don't have time for this! My test is tomorrow, I need to stop obsessing over everything except Internal Medicine topics. Bah!
Transitions
First off, my test is tomorrow. I have been doing a number of practice questions and I think it will be alright. I just need to go with my gut on the questions and not think about them too hard. I'll just keep studying today and see how it goes tomorrow! Think of me around 8:30am!
Now onto the good stuff! My date the other night went surprisingly well. C is really nice and an easy conversation. D was telling me the other night (in a little pep talk haha) that I am good to talk to one-on-one because I can talk about a lot of interesting things...I know a little bit about a really wide variety of stuff. Well, C does too, so the conversation was good. Part of me still thinks that he was just being nice to me and trying to make me feel better, because he knows enough about me to know I need cheering up, but I guess only time will tell. He talked a lot about seeing me again, so I hope that happens, but again I can't help but be skeptical. Nothing so far, but I guess according to the dating rules it's a little soon. And he is definately a dating game player...probably why I feel so skeptical about the whole thing. I don't even know what the dating game is so it's hard for me to keep up. I'll definately be interested to see where this goes!
Now onto the good stuff! My date the other night went surprisingly well. C is really nice and an easy conversation. D was telling me the other night (in a little pep talk haha) that I am good to talk to one-on-one because I can talk about a lot of interesting things...I know a little bit about a really wide variety of stuff. Well, C does too, so the conversation was good. Part of me still thinks that he was just being nice to me and trying to make me feel better, because he knows enough about me to know I need cheering up, but I guess only time will tell. He talked a lot about seeing me again, so I hope that happens, but again I can't help but be skeptical. Nothing so far, but I guess according to the dating rules it's a little soon. And he is definately a dating game player...probably why I feel so skeptical about the whole thing. I don't even know what the dating game is so it's hard for me to keep up. I'll definately be interested to see where this goes!
9.22.2009
Bewildered
Naturally, it has come to the end of my time on this rotation and I haven't blogged at all. Sheesh.
This rotation has been alright. I had much less responsibility and got sent home before noon on more days than I can count...not that I'm complaining, since I have my Shelf exam to be studying for, but it was very unexpected. I didn't have to put much effort into my day to day responsibilities. Maybe that's because I finally got the hang of some things, but I still know close to nothing in the grand scheme of Medicine. And now it's over.
AC stayed much the same throughout. Always copying what I did (if I pulled out my book to look something up, he would rush to get his out...if I gave a handout with my presentation, he did too...if I was talking to someone, he would interrupt me and ask 5 times what I was talking about until I gave him the Reader's Digest version). Needless to say AC was taxing, but they did get a little better by the end. I hope AC does well in future rotations and learns to chillax a little bit.
My Shelf exam is in 3 days. I'm not that worried about it, and I hope that turns out ok. I've been studying, but only for the past 5 weeks or so. Again, hopefully that's enough.
Now something NOT about school...I have a date tonight. This is V-E-R-Y weird. I have never been asked on a date like that in my whole 23 years; I have always dated friends. I'm not expecting it to be great, and I have a feeling that the guy called me because he feels bad for me, but I just don't want it to be terrible. I have been concocting "worst-case scenario" scenes in my head all day and trying to decide what I would do if any of these things happened (ex. I fall and moon the whole restaurant...I get sweaty...the invariably awkward end of the evening). I'm freaked out. Period. I hate doing things that make me look stupid, and there is so much potential for stupidity tonight it is terrifying. I guess I will just have to "fake it til I make it" with confidence and comfortability. Whatever. Freaking scared. I'll be sure to write how it goes, no matter how late I get home (or early).
This rotation has been alright. I had much less responsibility and got sent home before noon on more days than I can count...not that I'm complaining, since I have my Shelf exam to be studying for, but it was very unexpected. I didn't have to put much effort into my day to day responsibilities. Maybe that's because I finally got the hang of some things, but I still know close to nothing in the grand scheme of Medicine. And now it's over.
AC stayed much the same throughout. Always copying what I did (if I pulled out my book to look something up, he would rush to get his out...if I gave a handout with my presentation, he did too...if I was talking to someone, he would interrupt me and ask 5 times what I was talking about until I gave him the Reader's Digest version). Needless to say AC was taxing, but they did get a little better by the end. I hope AC does well in future rotations and learns to chillax a little bit.
My Shelf exam is in 3 days. I'm not that worried about it, and I hope that turns out ok. I've been studying, but only for the past 5 weeks or so. Again, hopefully that's enough.
Now something NOT about school...I have a date tonight. This is V-E-R-Y weird. I have never been asked on a date like that in my whole 23 years; I have always dated friends. I'm not expecting it to be great, and I have a feeling that the guy called me because he feels bad for me, but I just don't want it to be terrible. I have been concocting "worst-case scenario" scenes in my head all day and trying to decide what I would do if any of these things happened (ex. I fall and moon the whole restaurant...I get sweaty...the invariably awkward end of the evening). I'm freaked out. Period. I hate doing things that make me look stupid, and there is so much potential for stupidity tonight it is terrifying. I guess I will just have to "fake it til I make it" with confidence and comfortability. Whatever. Freaking scared. I'll be sure to write how it goes, no matter how late I get home (or early).
9.09.2009
Hokay
I am SO sad that I didn't blog at all during my time at GS. It was a rollercoaster of emotions, ending with my being really glad I was on the team I was on at the time I was on it. The resident and attendings were very helpful, taught me SO much, and pushed me to do more and be more involved and read all the time. Even though I didn't get as much studying done as I should have (surprise, surprise), I feel like I learned SO, so much.
Now I am at a state-run hospital and it is a TOTALLY different experience. At GS everything was very relaxed and it was a very supportive environment; at MC my intern got yelled at to the point of tears in my first 2 hours there, everything is so rushed, and so far (end of day 2) I have not done one thing. I'm sure it's just because I'm new and I'm not sure if they understand that I have had 7 weeks of Medicine so far, but I'm, once again, absolutely bored to tears. The patients there are VERY interesting, but just following my resident around like a puppy is getting old fast.
There is another third year on my team from another school this time (I'll call them "AC"). This is a strange experience, as AC is already very competitive with me. It is to the point that if I stand on one side of the resident to watch what they are doing, rather than standing on the resident's other side, AC will squeeze inbetween the resident and I. AC has a different concept of "personal space" than I do and it is annoying always having to try to put more distance between AC and I. AC is always trying to one-up me, but since AC has only been on Medicine for 1 week, they are not doing a very good job in my opinion of trying to out-do me. This will be an interesting relationship to blog about; I'm curious to see how we work together, as AC will be there the whole time I am.
Now I am at a state-run hospital and it is a TOTALLY different experience. At GS everything was very relaxed and it was a very supportive environment; at MC my intern got yelled at to the point of tears in my first 2 hours there, everything is so rushed, and so far (end of day 2) I have not done one thing. I'm sure it's just because I'm new and I'm not sure if they understand that I have had 7 weeks of Medicine so far, but I'm, once again, absolutely bored to tears. The patients there are VERY interesting, but just following my resident around like a puppy is getting old fast.
There is another third year on my team from another school this time (I'll call them "AC"). This is a strange experience, as AC is already very competitive with me. It is to the point that if I stand on one side of the resident to watch what they are doing, rather than standing on the resident's other side, AC will squeeze inbetween the resident and I. AC has a different concept of "personal space" than I do and it is annoying always having to try to put more distance between AC and I. AC is always trying to one-up me, but since AC has only been on Medicine for 1 week, they are not doing a very good job in my opinion of trying to out-do me. This will be an interesting relationship to blog about; I'm curious to see how we work together, as AC will be there the whole time I am.
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