Wanderer

Wow, so many posts recently! Just thinkin a lot I guess, and I have much more time!

I've been thinking about what a rollercoaster my thoughts have been for the last while. I simultaneously hold two totally opposite opinions about something. I am excited and blase, angry and crushed, hopeful and downtrodden. I do not ever remember being this confused with myself in my whole life. I thought your 20's were supposed to be about finding yourself and loving your life and having everything just fall into place. I hope this is not my only opportunity for those things to happen because if so then the rest of my life will be like being on the ocean during a hurricane in a tug boat.

I just wish I knew what was going on most of the time. I wish I knew how I felt about everything that happened to me instead of being able to see both sides of any situation. I should know if something will make me mad or if I will think it is funny, but somehow I usually don't!

Someone asked me the other day what I like to do, and literally the words out of my mouth were "I don't know". Now, I would like to think that I do know, but I really needed to sit down and think about it. I like to read, I like to sleep, ..... yea, I don't know! I know that I am up for anything; I will go see a movie or go to the zoo or go for a hike or go out for a drink, but what do I, Heather, actually like? When I have nothing to do, what do I think to do? The answer to that is usually nothing; I usually just end up sitting around and watching TV or being lazy. And that's what it is, I am lazy. Because, again, once I get up and do some of those other things I usually have a great time. I just never think to do them or plan them. I don't know what I need to do to get some motivation; being in med school you'd think I had motivation but I guess I only have it academically.

This has been sufficiently long and random and kind of dumpy, so I think I'll quit. I just wanted to remember that I did feel this confused at one time in my life.