Well, one week down. It went REALLY fast, I think because I didn't really have to do much of anything. No real ED shifts. I had orientation, a day of lectures, a day of "nursing skills" (mostly IV's, 1 NG tube, no Foley's), a day of simulations, and a "fast track" day (suturing, back pain, a guy who maced himself- hilarious). Fast track is where they put people who have very straightforward problems and who should be in-and-out. And then I had this whole weekend off. So my first real shift is Monday. Weird! It was nice to have a week to settle in, but I'm kind of bored, I have to admit. This weekend included watching a TON of TV shows online, reading books (finished Mansfield Park, started The Metamorphosis, looking foward to The Jungle Books soon), calling friends, and basically just bumming around. The internet blocks Netflix, so I can't watch any movies, and there aren't any movie theatres within walking distance, so that's out. Not sure what I'm going to do for the next three weekends here! Hopefully one will be spent with my extended fam if I can find a way to get up there!
I walked around the town a bit this weekend. The weather was SO nice (70 degrees, clear skies), and the town is really cute. Tons of hills, tiny streets, trees, grass, old houses, Halloween/autumn decorations, etc. It definitely brought me back to college (yet again) and I am VERY nostalgic for my college town...still! I thought that feeling would go away but nope, I still miss it a ton. NO idea why, college was not the greatest 4 years of my life (not the worst, but not the best). However, I am missing my actual college buildings, the dorms, certain restaurants, shops, drives I used to go on, parks I used to run at, farmland...I could go on and on. What does all of this mean? I have no idea. I have lots of time to mull it over and maybe figure it out, though!
Even though I just got here, I am anxious to get home so I can do some things. For example- cook, decorate, re-re-discover things to do in the city, reconnect with some friends I haven't had a ton of time to hang out with recently, spend time with my sister and family (this may be the last year we are living in the same city, depending on where I go for residency). I could do a lot of those things here if I was going to be here longer than 3 more weeks, but it just doesn't feel like home (for good reasons, I think) and so everything I do is a bit temporary. I'm having a good time but I want to feel at home!
No good patient stories from this last week...the only kind of funny one was the 50 year old guy that accidentally maced himself in the face while cleaning his garage. Not sure how that happens, but I guess it did. He was laughing about it so I don't feel so bad laughing about it too. Hopefully I'll get at least one good patient in the next week I can talk about!
10.10.2010
10.04.2010
College?
I am basically back in college...and I LOVE it! Here are some of the similarities:
1. Dorm living in an OLD building, shared bathrooms and all (yup, flip flops in the shower).
2. Cold weather and changing leaves.
3. No car.
4. Cafeteria food, snacks in my room.
5. SMALL town (ok, this is WAY smaller than my college town, but still!)
6. Listening to John Mayer and Coldplay (my iTunes hasn't been updated in a while and the internet blocks Pandora...not that I get internet in my room anyways!!)
7. A twin bed with a bad mattress...complete with my actual sheets from college!
8. Coin operated laundry in a scary basement.
9. Lysoling even the doors in my new room with my mom.
10. Being far from home.
...all that's missing is my roomie!!
I know all of that may sound terrible, but I am seriously LOVING it. I quite literally feel like I'm back in college, with all the freedom, excitement, and irresponsibility that go along with it. I feel like I'm starting a new slate, and that is always exciting. I can't wait to wander around this little town, have the leaves really change color for me, and spend some quality time with myself. So like we said back in high school:
yay college
1. Dorm living in an OLD building, shared bathrooms and all (yup, flip flops in the shower).
2. Cold weather and changing leaves.
3. No car.
4. Cafeteria food, snacks in my room.
5. SMALL town (ok, this is WAY smaller than my college town, but still!)
6. Listening to John Mayer and Coldplay (my iTunes hasn't been updated in a while and the internet blocks Pandora...not that I get internet in my room anyways!!)
7. A twin bed with a bad mattress...complete with my actual sheets from college!
8. Coin operated laundry in a scary basement.
9. Lysoling even the doors in my new room with my mom.
10. Being far from home.
...all that's missing is my roomie!!
I know all of that may sound terrible, but I am seriously LOVING it. I quite literally feel like I'm back in college, with all the freedom, excitement, and irresponsibility that go along with it. I feel like I'm starting a new slate, and that is always exciting. I can't wait to wander around this little town, have the leaves really change color for me, and spend some quality time with myself. So like we said back in high school:
yay college
9.29.2010
Autumn
I have a bit of insomnia tonight...so what do I do? Counting sheep is for sissies; I'll blog!
I took my test for my rotation today. Not too bad I don't think, I hope I did well! It is VERY sad that this rotation is coming to an end. I have had a great time, and I will miss all the people very much. I guess we'll see if I match here come March! I am currently packing to go away for a month on my next rotation- another month of fun in the ED! I am excited but pretty nervous, I hope I don't look like an idiot. Hopefully with one rotation under my belt I'll look like a pro...yea.
I have gotten the fall bug...I am very much looking forward to going on this rotation to a place that actually HAS a fall, with leaves and crisp cool air. For some reason lately I have been missing Nebraska...I know, what?!? I think I just miss the fall, since it is still >100 degrees here with no end in sight. Summer I love ya, but I'm ready for just a bit of brisk-ness in the air.
I feel pretty happy at this time of year. Maybe because it's when school usually starts and, let's face it, I love school. Maybe it's because I get to eat lots of filling, comforting food (yikes for my waistline). Maybe because it's a time when everyone wants to sit at home and be with lots of people, kind of like a teaser for Christmas (my FAVORITE season of all). I just feel full of hope that things will be good and something big will happen. No idea what, but I can feel it. Naturally it also makes me feel a little lonely, but I'm trying to focus on the positive here!
So here's to autumn (because that just sounds so much more sophisticated and grown-up)...warm drinks, squash, crunchy leaves, sweaters, listening to great music while reminiscing by the fire, and the sweet anticipation of Christmas.
I took my test for my rotation today. Not too bad I don't think, I hope I did well! It is VERY sad that this rotation is coming to an end. I have had a great time, and I will miss all the people very much. I guess we'll see if I match here come March! I am currently packing to go away for a month on my next rotation- another month of fun in the ED! I am excited but pretty nervous, I hope I don't look like an idiot. Hopefully with one rotation under my belt I'll look like a pro...yea.
I have gotten the fall bug...I am very much looking forward to going on this rotation to a place that actually HAS a fall, with leaves and crisp cool air. For some reason lately I have been missing Nebraska...I know, what?!? I think I just miss the fall, since it is still >100 degrees here with no end in sight. Summer I love ya, but I'm ready for just a bit of brisk-ness in the air.
I feel pretty happy at this time of year. Maybe because it's when school usually starts and, let's face it, I love school. Maybe it's because I get to eat lots of filling, comforting food (yikes for my waistline). Maybe because it's a time when everyone wants to sit at home and be with lots of people, kind of like a teaser for Christmas (my FAVORITE season of all). I just feel full of hope that things will be good and something big will happen. No idea what, but I can feel it. Naturally it also makes me feel a little lonely, but I'm trying to focus on the positive here!
So here's to autumn (because that just sounds so much more sophisticated and grown-up)...warm drinks, squash, crunchy leaves, sweaters, listening to great music while reminiscing by the fire, and the sweet anticipation of Christmas.
9.18.2010
Goals
First something exciting: I forgot to say this, but I found out that I HONORED my surgery clerkship! This is incredible, I didn't think it was going to happen but I am so proud that it did. I also got a high pass on OB/Gyn (I was *this* close to getting honors...dang!). Pretty exciting to close out the year with a bang!
Next, I am making some life goals. Now that I am on a clerkship that (I feel) gives me a pretty good idea of what my life will be like the next few years, I have the urge to try to develop the rest of my life around my schedule...what better time to start than now!
-Like I said before, I am trying to cook more. This doesn't amount to actually cooking that much because all the stuff I make can feed like 6 people so I end up eating it for days (which can get boring, but that's a whole different story). I made a pretty good "chili cornbread pie" the other day...next time I think I'll use a different kind of cheese and milk in the cornbread mix instead of water, but overall satisfying, healthy (it was from Cooking Light), and EASY (hey, I did it!).
-Along with cooking I am trying to eat healthier. I always did a fair job I think, but definite room for improvement. This is tricky when I don't eat at all the whole time I am at work usually (maybe a granola bar and a glass of water...maybe) and I get home at strange hours...can't really cook up a whole meal when D is sleeping right next to the kitchen! However, I need to get used to it, so we'll see how it goes. Today I joined the MyPlate website that allows you to track what you're eating. I don't really believe in food diaries (even I'm not that OCD-esque), but I think doing it for a short period of time can be useful to really see what I'm eating and what kinds of things I need to eat more of. The website is really cool and SUPER user friendly...I highly recommend it (but hey it's only the first day, what do I know).
-Too many goals for one time, but I am also trying to workout more. This has always been the weakest part for me, so I am starting SUPER slow...just doing my little ghetto elliptical machine for 30 minutes as often as I can (probably amounts to 3 times a week right now). Again, this can get tricky because I can't do that at 4am with a roommate, but I'm doing my best! I'm trying to stay positive about this measley little bit of exercise because at least it's more than what I was doing before. Not super, but it's a start.
-My Mid-Year Resolution is to take my vitamins. My New Years Resolution this year was to floss, and I seriously am still flossing basically every night (at least 5 times a week on average), so I decided to do resolutions more often. I think the key is to be specific, so right now it's vitamins. I even bought a pill box to remind me. Going pretty well so far. It's been over a month since I made the resolution, and I've probably averaged 4 times a week. Not great, but better than I was doing before so I'll take it.
-I have been reading more non-school stuff than I have in the last year, which is SO nice. I live and breathe reading, so it is nice to have time for that again! Currently reading Mansfield Park. 500 pages, which normally would take me like a weekend if I really sat down to it, but I've been reading it a little over a month. I got a good chunk into it on the drive back from CA, and have been plugging along pretty steadily since then. Next up: The Jungle Books I think!
Kind of a long post, but really more for me to remain accountable and remember that I am trying to get it together. A friend of mine from school and I had a long talk the other day about how we feel like the last 3.5 years have LITERALLY been all about medicine, and how we feel like we are so much more than that and how frustrating it is to feel so limited. The light is at the end of the tunnel when we can hopefully break free, but what better time to start than now!
Next, I am making some life goals. Now that I am on a clerkship that (I feel) gives me a pretty good idea of what my life will be like the next few years, I have the urge to try to develop the rest of my life around my schedule...what better time to start than now!
-Like I said before, I am trying to cook more. This doesn't amount to actually cooking that much because all the stuff I make can feed like 6 people so I end up eating it for days (which can get boring, but that's a whole different story). I made a pretty good "chili cornbread pie" the other day...next time I think I'll use a different kind of cheese and milk in the cornbread mix instead of water, but overall satisfying, healthy (it was from Cooking Light), and EASY (hey, I did it!).
-Along with cooking I am trying to eat healthier. I always did a fair job I think, but definite room for improvement. This is tricky when I don't eat at all the whole time I am at work usually (maybe a granola bar and a glass of water...maybe) and I get home at strange hours...can't really cook up a whole meal when D is sleeping right next to the kitchen! However, I need to get used to it, so we'll see how it goes. Today I joined the MyPlate website that allows you to track what you're eating. I don't really believe in food diaries (even I'm not that OCD-esque), but I think doing it for a short period of time can be useful to really see what I'm eating and what kinds of things I need to eat more of. The website is really cool and SUPER user friendly...I highly recommend it (but hey it's only the first day, what do I know).
-Too many goals for one time, but I am also trying to workout more. This has always been the weakest part for me, so I am starting SUPER slow...just doing my little ghetto elliptical machine for 30 minutes as often as I can (probably amounts to 3 times a week right now). Again, this can get tricky because I can't do that at 4am with a roommate, but I'm doing my best! I'm trying to stay positive about this measley little bit of exercise because at least it's more than what I was doing before. Not super, but it's a start.
-My Mid-Year Resolution is to take my vitamins. My New Years Resolution this year was to floss, and I seriously am still flossing basically every night (at least 5 times a week on average), so I decided to do resolutions more often. I think the key is to be specific, so right now it's vitamins. I even bought a pill box to remind me. Going pretty well so far. It's been over a month since I made the resolution, and I've probably averaged 4 times a week. Not great, but better than I was doing before so I'll take it.
-I have been reading more non-school stuff than I have in the last year, which is SO nice. I live and breathe reading, so it is nice to have time for that again! Currently reading Mansfield Park. 500 pages, which normally would take me like a weekend if I really sat down to it, but I've been reading it a little over a month. I got a good chunk into it on the drive back from CA, and have been plugging along pretty steadily since then. Next up: The Jungle Books I think!
Kind of a long post, but really more for me to remain accountable and remember that I am trying to get it together. A friend of mine from school and I had a long talk the other day about how we feel like the last 3.5 years have LITERALLY been all about medicine, and how we feel like we are so much more than that and how frustrating it is to feel so limited. The light is at the end of the tunnel when we can hopefully break free, but what better time to start than now!
9.11.2010
Better
Well, I made it through last week. Clearly that was tough! But I got both of my tests taken, my applications submitted (on the first day I could, thank you very much! That's a record for me), and some fun times in CA with friends and family. Thanks everyone for showing me that California is tolerable :)
Naturally, my horrible week just couldn't stop with my test on Friday...our family dog died on Sunday while we were all out of town. I am glad that he is not suffering anymore, but I wish he didn't die alone. Love you Dukey!
After my vacation, I have started back doing what I L-O-V-E: emergency medicine. I had my first shift yesterday, and all it did was confirm that this is the right choice for me. I have a LOT to learn and a lot of areas to improve on, but I am totally in love. It is fast-paced, busy, focused, fun, and the sense of camaraderie is unparalleled. Before, during, and after my breakdown last week, I was seriously questioning what the heck I was doing...I didn't want to do this anymore. Forget med school, forget being a doctor, I was just done. My sense of purpose is renewed this week :) And that is a relief!
One of the best parts of this rotation is the schedule...15 8-hour shifts in 4 weeks. That sounds like a normal amount of work, but to me that spells FREEDOM. I have 15 days where I don't have to work??? Are you serious? Sure, nights and weekends aren't always free, but give me a DAY off anyday so I can get things done and I'm a happy camper. So here's to getting things going in the rest of my life! Step one: cook more! Yay!
Naturally, my horrible week just couldn't stop with my test on Friday...our family dog died on Sunday while we were all out of town. I am glad that he is not suffering anymore, but I wish he didn't die alone. Love you Dukey!
After my vacation, I have started back doing what I L-O-V-E: emergency medicine. I had my first shift yesterday, and all it did was confirm that this is the right choice for me. I have a LOT to learn and a lot of areas to improve on, but I am totally in love. It is fast-paced, busy, focused, fun, and the sense of camaraderie is unparalleled. Before, during, and after my breakdown last week, I was seriously questioning what the heck I was doing...I didn't want to do this anymore. Forget med school, forget being a doctor, I was just done. My sense of purpose is renewed this week :) And that is a relief!
One of the best parts of this rotation is the schedule...15 8-hour shifts in 4 weeks. That sounds like a normal amount of work, but to me that spells FREEDOM. I have 15 days where I don't have to work??? Are you serious? Sure, nights and weekends aren't always free, but give me a DAY off anyday so I can get things done and I'm a happy camper. So here's to getting things going in the rest of my life! Step one: cook more! Yay!
8.31.2010
Slime
I am having a bad day. And it's a big, important day. So I need to vent.
As I am sitting here filling out my residency application, I am forced to reflect on all the things I have done in the past 8 years and basically talk myself up huge. Reading these paragraphs about my accomplishments should make me feel awesome..."look how much I've done and how far I've come!".
I don't feel that way.
There have been only a handful of times in my life where I have felt this inadequate. Unfortunately, all but one of those have occurred in the last 2 years. I feel like I have done nothing. I have no accomplishments. I have gotten through med school, but that's about all I can say. I don't excel at anything. I do mediocre on tests. I get fair evaluations from difficult clerkships. I have no research. I am not a perpetually happy, nice person. I have nothing amazing outside of school, and now I have nothing amazing inside of school. Why did I get in to med school? Why should I get into residency? Why should I be a doctor? Why am I bothering?
And now I have to go write a personal statement talking about how awesome I am and why I deserve to go to a particular residency program.
What I really want to say is:
This is bullshit. I'm nothing special. Don't bother.
As I am sitting here filling out my residency application, I am forced to reflect on all the things I have done in the past 8 years and basically talk myself up huge. Reading these paragraphs about my accomplishments should make me feel awesome..."look how much I've done and how far I've come!".
I don't feel that way.
There have been only a handful of times in my life where I have felt this inadequate. Unfortunately, all but one of those have occurred in the last 2 years. I feel like I have done nothing. I have no accomplishments. I have gotten through med school, but that's about all I can say. I don't excel at anything. I do mediocre on tests. I get fair evaluations from difficult clerkships. I have no research. I am not a perpetually happy, nice person. I have nothing amazing outside of school, and now I have nothing amazing inside of school. Why did I get in to med school? Why should I get into residency? Why should I be a doctor? Why am I bothering?
And now I have to go write a personal statement talking about how awesome I am and why I deserve to go to a particular residency program.
What I really want to say is:
This is bullshit. I'm nothing special. Don't bother.
8.27.2010
Update
They graded my surgery shelf and I passed (it wasn't even my worst shelf grade!)...I'm assuming I didn't fail the clinical portion of OB/Gyn or Surgery (I don't have those evaluations back yet), so as far as I'm concerned, I feel comfortable now saying I'M A FOURTH YEAR! This is an exhilarating feeling, which is nice 2 days before my boards. I am so relieved to have that out of the way, and I'll feel even better after I have the full official grades (shelf + clinical).
I have decided that my "last first day of school" will be Tuesday the 7th. Since these last few weeks were just studying, they were like my "summer", and since at that point I'll know I passed all of my third year, I can officially be a 4th year! I know, kind of a stretch, but I have REALLY been wanting a "last first day of school" picture since I mentioned it last time, and I am determined to have it. Since most people in my class took the first month of 4th year and studied, it was kind of like their summer, so now it's mine too (just a month later!). Now hopefully I'll remember to have D take my picture by the door!!
P.S. Still overwhelmed about my test and my application. Test part 1 on Monday, application due Wednesday, test part 2 on Friday...THEN a nice little vacation weekend with the fam. If I don't have an ulcer by the end of this week it'll be a miracle...what was I thinking?!?
I have decided that my "last first day of school" will be Tuesday the 7th. Since these last few weeks were just studying, they were like my "summer", and since at that point I'll know I passed all of my third year, I can officially be a 4th year! I know, kind of a stretch, but I have REALLY been wanting a "last first day of school" picture since I mentioned it last time, and I am determined to have it. Since most people in my class took the first month of 4th year and studied, it was kind of like their summer, so now it's mine too (just a month later!). Now hopefully I'll remember to have D take my picture by the door!!
P.S. Still overwhelmed about my test and my application. Test part 1 on Monday, application due Wednesday, test part 2 on Friday...THEN a nice little vacation weekend with the fam. If I don't have an ulcer by the end of this week it'll be a miracle...what was I thinking?!?
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