I have a bit of insomnia tonight...so what do I do? Counting sheep is for sissies; I'll blog!
I took my test for my rotation today. Not too bad I don't think, I hope I did well! It is VERY sad that this rotation is coming to an end. I have had a great time, and I will miss all the people very much. I guess we'll see if I match here come March! I am currently packing to go away for a month on my next rotation- another month of fun in the ED! I am excited but pretty nervous, I hope I don't look like an idiot. Hopefully with one rotation under my belt I'll look like a pro...yea.
I have gotten the fall bug...I am very much looking forward to going on this rotation to a place that actually HAS a fall, with leaves and crisp cool air. For some reason lately I have been missing Nebraska...I know, what?!? I think I just miss the fall, since it is still >100 degrees here with no end in sight. Summer I love ya, but I'm ready for just a bit of brisk-ness in the air.
I feel pretty happy at this time of year. Maybe because it's when school usually starts and, let's face it, I love school. Maybe it's because I get to eat lots of filling, comforting food (yikes for my waistline). Maybe because it's a time when everyone wants to sit at home and be with lots of people, kind of like a teaser for Christmas (my FAVORITE season of all). I just feel full of hope that things will be good and something big will happen. No idea what, but I can feel it. Naturally it also makes me feel a little lonely, but I'm trying to focus on the positive here!
So here's to autumn (because that just sounds so much more sophisticated and grown-up)...warm drinks, squash, crunchy leaves, sweaters, listening to great music while reminiscing by the fire, and the sweet anticipation of Christmas.
9.29.2010
9.18.2010
Goals
First something exciting: I forgot to say this, but I found out that I HONORED my surgery clerkship! This is incredible, I didn't think it was going to happen but I am so proud that it did. I also got a high pass on OB/Gyn (I was *this* close to getting honors...dang!). Pretty exciting to close out the year with a bang!
Next, I am making some life goals. Now that I am on a clerkship that (I feel) gives me a pretty good idea of what my life will be like the next few years, I have the urge to try to develop the rest of my life around my schedule...what better time to start than now!
-Like I said before, I am trying to cook more. This doesn't amount to actually cooking that much because all the stuff I make can feed like 6 people so I end up eating it for days (which can get boring, but that's a whole different story). I made a pretty good "chili cornbread pie" the other day...next time I think I'll use a different kind of cheese and milk in the cornbread mix instead of water, but overall satisfying, healthy (it was from Cooking Light), and EASY (hey, I did it!).
-Along with cooking I am trying to eat healthier. I always did a fair job I think, but definite room for improvement. This is tricky when I don't eat at all the whole time I am at work usually (maybe a granola bar and a glass of water...maybe) and I get home at strange hours...can't really cook up a whole meal when D is sleeping right next to the kitchen! However, I need to get used to it, so we'll see how it goes. Today I joined the MyPlate website that allows you to track what you're eating. I don't really believe in food diaries (even I'm not that OCD-esque), but I think doing it for a short period of time can be useful to really see what I'm eating and what kinds of things I need to eat more of. The website is really cool and SUPER user friendly...I highly recommend it (but hey it's only the first day, what do I know).
-Too many goals for one time, but I am also trying to workout more. This has always been the weakest part for me, so I am starting SUPER slow...just doing my little ghetto elliptical machine for 30 minutes as often as I can (probably amounts to 3 times a week right now). Again, this can get tricky because I can't do that at 4am with a roommate, but I'm doing my best! I'm trying to stay positive about this measley little bit of exercise because at least it's more than what I was doing before. Not super, but it's a start.
-My Mid-Year Resolution is to take my vitamins. My New Years Resolution this year was to floss, and I seriously am still flossing basically every night (at least 5 times a week on average), so I decided to do resolutions more often. I think the key is to be specific, so right now it's vitamins. I even bought a pill box to remind me. Going pretty well so far. It's been over a month since I made the resolution, and I've probably averaged 4 times a week. Not great, but better than I was doing before so I'll take it.
-I have been reading more non-school stuff than I have in the last year, which is SO nice. I live and breathe reading, so it is nice to have time for that again! Currently reading Mansfield Park. 500 pages, which normally would take me like a weekend if I really sat down to it, but I've been reading it a little over a month. I got a good chunk into it on the drive back from CA, and have been plugging along pretty steadily since then. Next up: The Jungle Books I think!
Kind of a long post, but really more for me to remain accountable and remember that I am trying to get it together. A friend of mine from school and I had a long talk the other day about how we feel like the last 3.5 years have LITERALLY been all about medicine, and how we feel like we are so much more than that and how frustrating it is to feel so limited. The light is at the end of the tunnel when we can hopefully break free, but what better time to start than now!
Next, I am making some life goals. Now that I am on a clerkship that (I feel) gives me a pretty good idea of what my life will be like the next few years, I have the urge to try to develop the rest of my life around my schedule...what better time to start than now!
-Like I said before, I am trying to cook more. This doesn't amount to actually cooking that much because all the stuff I make can feed like 6 people so I end up eating it for days (which can get boring, but that's a whole different story). I made a pretty good "chili cornbread pie" the other day...next time I think I'll use a different kind of cheese and milk in the cornbread mix instead of water, but overall satisfying, healthy (it was from Cooking Light), and EASY (hey, I did it!).
-Along with cooking I am trying to eat healthier. I always did a fair job I think, but definite room for improvement. This is tricky when I don't eat at all the whole time I am at work usually (maybe a granola bar and a glass of water...maybe) and I get home at strange hours...can't really cook up a whole meal when D is sleeping right next to the kitchen! However, I need to get used to it, so we'll see how it goes. Today I joined the MyPlate website that allows you to track what you're eating. I don't really believe in food diaries (even I'm not that OCD-esque), but I think doing it for a short period of time can be useful to really see what I'm eating and what kinds of things I need to eat more of. The website is really cool and SUPER user friendly...I highly recommend it (but hey it's only the first day, what do I know).
-Too many goals for one time, but I am also trying to workout more. This has always been the weakest part for me, so I am starting SUPER slow...just doing my little ghetto elliptical machine for 30 minutes as often as I can (probably amounts to 3 times a week right now). Again, this can get tricky because I can't do that at 4am with a roommate, but I'm doing my best! I'm trying to stay positive about this measley little bit of exercise because at least it's more than what I was doing before. Not super, but it's a start.
-My Mid-Year Resolution is to take my vitamins. My New Years Resolution this year was to floss, and I seriously am still flossing basically every night (at least 5 times a week on average), so I decided to do resolutions more often. I think the key is to be specific, so right now it's vitamins. I even bought a pill box to remind me. Going pretty well so far. It's been over a month since I made the resolution, and I've probably averaged 4 times a week. Not great, but better than I was doing before so I'll take it.
-I have been reading more non-school stuff than I have in the last year, which is SO nice. I live and breathe reading, so it is nice to have time for that again! Currently reading Mansfield Park. 500 pages, which normally would take me like a weekend if I really sat down to it, but I've been reading it a little over a month. I got a good chunk into it on the drive back from CA, and have been plugging along pretty steadily since then. Next up: The Jungle Books I think!
Kind of a long post, but really more for me to remain accountable and remember that I am trying to get it together. A friend of mine from school and I had a long talk the other day about how we feel like the last 3.5 years have LITERALLY been all about medicine, and how we feel like we are so much more than that and how frustrating it is to feel so limited. The light is at the end of the tunnel when we can hopefully break free, but what better time to start than now!
9.11.2010
Better
Well, I made it through last week. Clearly that was tough! But I got both of my tests taken, my applications submitted (on the first day I could, thank you very much! That's a record for me), and some fun times in CA with friends and family. Thanks everyone for showing me that California is tolerable :)
Naturally, my horrible week just couldn't stop with my test on Friday...our family dog died on Sunday while we were all out of town. I am glad that he is not suffering anymore, but I wish he didn't die alone. Love you Dukey!
After my vacation, I have started back doing what I L-O-V-E: emergency medicine. I had my first shift yesterday, and all it did was confirm that this is the right choice for me. I have a LOT to learn and a lot of areas to improve on, but I am totally in love. It is fast-paced, busy, focused, fun, and the sense of camaraderie is unparalleled. Before, during, and after my breakdown last week, I was seriously questioning what the heck I was doing...I didn't want to do this anymore. Forget med school, forget being a doctor, I was just done. My sense of purpose is renewed this week :) And that is a relief!
One of the best parts of this rotation is the schedule...15 8-hour shifts in 4 weeks. That sounds like a normal amount of work, but to me that spells FREEDOM. I have 15 days where I don't have to work??? Are you serious? Sure, nights and weekends aren't always free, but give me a DAY off anyday so I can get things done and I'm a happy camper. So here's to getting things going in the rest of my life! Step one: cook more! Yay!
Naturally, my horrible week just couldn't stop with my test on Friday...our family dog died on Sunday while we were all out of town. I am glad that he is not suffering anymore, but I wish he didn't die alone. Love you Dukey!
After my vacation, I have started back doing what I L-O-V-E: emergency medicine. I had my first shift yesterday, and all it did was confirm that this is the right choice for me. I have a LOT to learn and a lot of areas to improve on, but I am totally in love. It is fast-paced, busy, focused, fun, and the sense of camaraderie is unparalleled. Before, during, and after my breakdown last week, I was seriously questioning what the heck I was doing...I didn't want to do this anymore. Forget med school, forget being a doctor, I was just done. My sense of purpose is renewed this week :) And that is a relief!
One of the best parts of this rotation is the schedule...15 8-hour shifts in 4 weeks. That sounds like a normal amount of work, but to me that spells FREEDOM. I have 15 days where I don't have to work??? Are you serious? Sure, nights and weekends aren't always free, but give me a DAY off anyday so I can get things done and I'm a happy camper. So here's to getting things going in the rest of my life! Step one: cook more! Yay!
8.31.2010
Slime
I am having a bad day. And it's a big, important day. So I need to vent.
As I am sitting here filling out my residency application, I am forced to reflect on all the things I have done in the past 8 years and basically talk myself up huge. Reading these paragraphs about my accomplishments should make me feel awesome..."look how much I've done and how far I've come!".
I don't feel that way.
There have been only a handful of times in my life where I have felt this inadequate. Unfortunately, all but one of those have occurred in the last 2 years. I feel like I have done nothing. I have no accomplishments. I have gotten through med school, but that's about all I can say. I don't excel at anything. I do mediocre on tests. I get fair evaluations from difficult clerkships. I have no research. I am not a perpetually happy, nice person. I have nothing amazing outside of school, and now I have nothing amazing inside of school. Why did I get in to med school? Why should I get into residency? Why should I be a doctor? Why am I bothering?
And now I have to go write a personal statement talking about how awesome I am and why I deserve to go to a particular residency program.
What I really want to say is:
This is bullshit. I'm nothing special. Don't bother.
As I am sitting here filling out my residency application, I am forced to reflect on all the things I have done in the past 8 years and basically talk myself up huge. Reading these paragraphs about my accomplishments should make me feel awesome..."look how much I've done and how far I've come!".
I don't feel that way.
There have been only a handful of times in my life where I have felt this inadequate. Unfortunately, all but one of those have occurred in the last 2 years. I feel like I have done nothing. I have no accomplishments. I have gotten through med school, but that's about all I can say. I don't excel at anything. I do mediocre on tests. I get fair evaluations from difficult clerkships. I have no research. I am not a perpetually happy, nice person. I have nothing amazing outside of school, and now I have nothing amazing inside of school. Why did I get in to med school? Why should I get into residency? Why should I be a doctor? Why am I bothering?
And now I have to go write a personal statement talking about how awesome I am and why I deserve to go to a particular residency program.
What I really want to say is:
This is bullshit. I'm nothing special. Don't bother.
8.27.2010
Update
They graded my surgery shelf and I passed (it wasn't even my worst shelf grade!)...I'm assuming I didn't fail the clinical portion of OB/Gyn or Surgery (I don't have those evaluations back yet), so as far as I'm concerned, I feel comfortable now saying I'M A FOURTH YEAR! This is an exhilarating feeling, which is nice 2 days before my boards. I am so relieved to have that out of the way, and I'll feel even better after I have the full official grades (shelf + clinical).
I have decided that my "last first day of school" will be Tuesday the 7th. Since these last few weeks were just studying, they were like my "summer", and since at that point I'll know I passed all of my third year, I can officially be a 4th year! I know, kind of a stretch, but I have REALLY been wanting a "last first day of school" picture since I mentioned it last time, and I am determined to have it. Since most people in my class took the first month of 4th year and studied, it was kind of like their summer, so now it's mine too (just a month later!). Now hopefully I'll remember to have D take my picture by the door!!
P.S. Still overwhelmed about my test and my application. Test part 1 on Monday, application due Wednesday, test part 2 on Friday...THEN a nice little vacation weekend with the fam. If I don't have an ulcer by the end of this week it'll be a miracle...what was I thinking?!?
I have decided that my "last first day of school" will be Tuesday the 7th. Since these last few weeks were just studying, they were like my "summer", and since at that point I'll know I passed all of my third year, I can officially be a 4th year! I know, kind of a stretch, but I have REALLY been wanting a "last first day of school" picture since I mentioned it last time, and I am determined to have it. Since most people in my class took the first month of 4th year and studied, it was kind of like their summer, so now it's mine too (just a month later!). Now hopefully I'll remember to have D take my picture by the door!!
P.S. Still overwhelmed about my test and my application. Test part 1 on Monday, application due Wednesday, test part 2 on Friday...THEN a nice little vacation weekend with the fam. If I don't have an ulcer by the end of this week it'll be a miracle...what was I thinking?!?
8.22.2010
Pause
Reading over my last post, most of those things still ring true. Except now I am even more overwhelmed. Right now just focusing on my multiple choice exam and my residency application. My sleep cycle is SO crazy (go to bed at 3am, wake up at noon). I am studying every day; it is getting to be a LOT of information. I'm not eating all that well. All I do is drive/study/drive/watch tv/sleep. And I have made zero progress on my application (sort of by choice...I can't think about that and try to study at the same time- it is too good of a distractor). I'm exhausted, cranky, hungry, and feeling inadequate. Oh, for it to be 2 weeks from now when it will all be over!!
Two things that are different:
1. The last thing on my list...not so let down. Too busy to really think about it right now, and maybe that has something to do with why I'm not let down, but whatever. Just takin it slow. Super slow. Maybe that's all I can handle right now.
2. Update about my surgery shelf grade: the NBME (National Board of Medical Examiners), who administers and grades the test, never graded mine. Last I hear, my answer sheet got left in my test booklet which was subsequently stored in a warehouse. They have sent for my test book and will grade my exam and notify my school by Tuesday. Slight panic attack. As long as they find it and grade it and it's actually mine, it'll be fine.
Totally different note: even though I am 6 weeks in, I just realized this is my last year of school. EVER. This is huge for someone who has been in school continuously for going on 22 years. I'm kind of sad that I didn't realize it at the time and take a "last first day of school" picture or something. Kind of forgot about it when I didn't get a summer break. Anyways, this makes me a little sad and scared...what will I do in the adult world? Because I am more and more convinced that a lot of what med school does is push back the real world (if you go straight from college). I'm excited for it, but I like school...I've always been good at school...school is my safe place (not so much since med school, but that's a different story...). Time to get on with the rest of the things I hope and dream for my life. So here's to a great last year...I know it'll go too quick. It's already almost September...sheesh.
Two things that are different:
1. The last thing on my list...not so let down. Too busy to really think about it right now, and maybe that has something to do with why I'm not let down, but whatever. Just takin it slow. Super slow. Maybe that's all I can handle right now.
2. Update about my surgery shelf grade: the NBME (National Board of Medical Examiners), who administers and grades the test, never graded mine. Last I hear, my answer sheet got left in my test booklet which was subsequently stored in a warehouse. They have sent for my test book and will grade my exam and notify my school by Tuesday. Slight panic attack. As long as they find it and grade it and it's actually mine, it'll be fine.
Totally different note: even though I am 6 weeks in, I just realized this is my last year of school. EVER. This is huge for someone who has been in school continuously for going on 22 years. I'm kind of sad that I didn't realize it at the time and take a "last first day of school" picture or something. Kind of forgot about it when I didn't get a summer break. Anyways, this makes me a little sad and scared...what will I do in the adult world? Because I am more and more convinced that a lot of what med school does is push back the real world (if you go straight from college). I'm excited for it, but I like school...I've always been good at school...school is my safe place (not so much since med school, but that's a different story...). Time to get on with the rest of the things I hope and dream for my life. So here's to a great last year...I know it'll go too quick. It's already almost September...sheesh.
8.12.2010
Whoa.
Overwhelmed. That's all there is to it. Here's why.
1. My mouth still hurts. It is not healing as fast as I thought it would, and I'm crabby about it.
2. Studying for part 2 of my boards. Multiple choice test on August 30th, practical exam on September 3rd. I need to do well on the multiple choice, as Emergency Medicine residencies put a lot of stock in that exam. However, I have no motivation to study and find myself daydreaming...a LOT. This is stressing me out BIG time. And in true-to-myself fashion, I am ignoring it and pretending it will just go away. Typical.
3. My residency application is due September 1st. This is a big deal. Not only is it filling out the application (including a personal statement...ugh!), but it is getting letters of recommendation and, biggest problem of all, deciding what programs to apply to. If all I had to do was get the application ready and click "submit", I would not be that worried. But I need to narrow down the 120+ EM programs across the country to the 20-25 that I want to apply to. And I don't even know if 20-25 is the right number to apply to. This terrifies me, as all applications usually do. For college I didn't apply to enough programs, for med school I probably applied to too many...what the heck am I supposed to do now?? I know that I need to end up interviewing at and ranking 10+ programs, but how many do I need to apply to to ensure that I get at least 10 interviews? And how do I know what programs I am interested in? Clearly this is the biggest deal for me.
4. I still don't have my Surgery exam grade. I have my OB exam grade, and I did pretty well. Just waiting on the official overall grade (including my clinical grade) from OB. But Surgery...I am getting antsy.
5. I need to start getting things in order (flights, $$, paperwork, etc.) for my away rotation in October and my international rotation in February. I know those are farther away than the other things on my list, but unfortunately they still swirl around in my head.
6. Boys. Why do I have to get so excited every time only to end up feeling let down? That's all I have to say about that.
There's more...I'm sure of it. But that's enough for now. Back to studying and feeling slightly inadequate and in limbo. Blah.
1. My mouth still hurts. It is not healing as fast as I thought it would, and I'm crabby about it.
2. Studying for part 2 of my boards. Multiple choice test on August 30th, practical exam on September 3rd. I need to do well on the multiple choice, as Emergency Medicine residencies put a lot of stock in that exam. However, I have no motivation to study and find myself daydreaming...a LOT. This is stressing me out BIG time. And in true-to-myself fashion, I am ignoring it and pretending it will just go away. Typical.
3. My residency application is due September 1st. This is a big deal. Not only is it filling out the application (including a personal statement...ugh!), but it is getting letters of recommendation and, biggest problem of all, deciding what programs to apply to. If all I had to do was get the application ready and click "submit", I would not be that worried. But I need to narrow down the 120+ EM programs across the country to the 20-25 that I want to apply to. And I don't even know if 20-25 is the right number to apply to. This terrifies me, as all applications usually do. For college I didn't apply to enough programs, for med school I probably applied to too many...what the heck am I supposed to do now?? I know that I need to end up interviewing at and ranking 10+ programs, but how many do I need to apply to to ensure that I get at least 10 interviews? And how do I know what programs I am interested in? Clearly this is the biggest deal for me.
4. I still don't have my Surgery exam grade. I have my OB exam grade, and I did pretty well. Just waiting on the official overall grade (including my clinical grade) from OB. But Surgery...I am getting antsy.
5. I need to start getting things in order (flights, $$, paperwork, etc.) for my away rotation in October and my international rotation in February. I know those are farther away than the other things on my list, but unfortunately they still swirl around in my head.
6. Boys. Why do I have to get so excited every time only to end up feeling let down? That's all I have to say about that.
There's more...I'm sure of it. But that's enough for now. Back to studying and feeling slightly inadequate and in limbo. Blah.
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