Funk

I'm in a bit of a funk today.

I haven't been sleeping well at all the past few nights. I am so tired around 6-7pm, but then as soon as 9-10pm rolls around and I try to lay down to go to sleep, my mind is WIRED. It is going 3000 miles a minute. Thinking about literally EVERY aspect of my life for the next 10 years...my 4th year schedule, boards, where I'll do my residency, what I am going to do about my living situation (buy a house, don't buy a house, where, etc.), if I'll get married, what kind of stuff I want in my house, what I'll look like (if I'll have more wrinkles, if I'll be fatter/skinnier/the same, what color my hair will be, etc.), what I'll do after residency, if I want a private practice or not, how many hours a week I'll work, what I'll do outside of work...

Seriously, it goes on and on and on.

So, I'm not sleeping well. I am thinking about a lot of things. I'm a little anxious. My stomach always feels nervous (and a bad nervous, not like excited butterflies nervous). I don't feel quite like myself. I don't feel quite so confident. I seem to be focusing on the bad things about myself (or at least things I don't like) instead of appreciating all of the good qualities I have. I am fairly unsure of myself, and I find myself thinking (along with everything else) about things I've done in the past few months/things I have said and reliving those conversations/moments in my head, wondering how they looked to the other people around me at the time, what I could have said/done differently, what those people probably think of me now, what I think of myself now, etc. And it's not like I'm thinking about really monumental, decisive moments. I think of random conversations I had during the day 2 months ago or that one patient I interviewed or when I hung out with so-and-so for an hour.

This is freaking me out. And I'm freaked out that it freaks me out. Etc. Clearly I have a lot of cascading thoughts; one thought just leads into another. I'm freaking sick of it! It has only been going on 2 days but it is crazy. It had better stop soon, or I had better get a handle on it, or else I may join my patients on a psych ward! (not really, but you know what I mean) I am pretty sure that on the outside no one would know that I'm thinking all of this stuff...I am able to focus on my work and do a good job, I am able to have a normal conversation, etc. So it is not seriously disturbing my life, but it is disturbing my head!

So 2 days ago, I was totally calm and had a handle on everything. Today I'm seriously obsessing over everything. Are we done with this rollercoaster yet?!?