Um, it's been a while! Here's a summary:
Finished Neuro. Had a GREAT experience. Don't think I can do it as a career because neuro diseases are so devastating and usually there is no cure and in a lot of cases no great treatment. But that is hard for me to say. I really liked it.
Spring Break. Such a nice break.
Emergency Department (ED) rotation. Rocked. My. World. I loved every second of it from day one. The traumas, the routine people coming in (women miscarrying, asthma exacerbations, chest pain, cellulitis), my interactions with the residents, how much everyone really cared about the patients, how BUSY everything was, how quick decisions were made and how quick results were obtained, getting to DO things (stitches, pelvic exams, ultrasound, re-locating joints), etc. I could rave on and on about it.
Anesthesia rotation. It was alright. I learned a lot about physiology that I forgot, saw some cool surgeries, but talk about a lot of down time. Wow.
Started my OB rotation. Not stellar. I don't hate it, but I definitely don't love it. I have not really been getting that overwhelming feeling of awe when a baby is born that I was expecting to. And the rotation is hard...the residents and attendings are very critical and judging everything you do it feels like. Haven't had that in a while, so glad that is almost over. Very long hours...13 hour days at work at least, 30 hour calls once a week. Literally I get up at 4am, work 5am-6pm, get home at 6:30pm, go to bed at 8pm. Since I'm supposed to be studying everyday when I'm not at work, that really cuts down on the other things I can do (laundry, grocery shop, cook)!
Planning my 4th year is still an issue. Now that I've 98% decided on Emergency Medicine my schedule needs some tweaking. A work in progress.
So that's it in a nutshell. My life is consumed by school. This will continue until at least July 4th because after OB I go onto Surgery, where the hours are even worse and the attendings even harsher (or so I hear). Wish me luck!
5.06.2010
2.27.2010
Decisions, Decisions
I took a quiz online (from a university's med school website) to tell me what specialty I should pick for my career. It assigned a point value to each specialty based on my answers; I had the same score for a number of specialties so they are a tie. These are the results (with some comments by me):
1. (46 points) ophthalmology (I do not have the grades for this)
dermatology (ditto)
2. (45 points) endocrinology (I would have to do internal medicine first, #7 on this list. yuck)
pathology (um, I said I LIKE talking to people...)
plastic surgery (see #1)
3. (44 points) urology (see #1)
neurosurgery (see #1)
emergency medicine (actually one I was considering!!)
allergy and immunology (I also would have to do internal medicine first)
4. (43 points) anesthesiology (I like TALKING too much for this)
gastroenterology (internal medicine first)
physical medicine and rehabilitation
occupational medicine (I have no idea what this even is)
5. (42 points) radiology (again, I LIKE people...)
rheumatology (internal medicine first)
neurology (I am on this right now and I do like it)
infectious diseases (internal medicine first)
6. (41 points) hematology (internal medicine first)
nephrology (internal medicine first)
radiation oncology (I am not a physicist)
nuclear medicine (again, I am not a physicist)
otolaryngology/ENT (don't have the grades)
pediatrics (another thing I thought I REALLY wanted...hmm, so low on the list!)
7. (40 points) thoracic surgery (general surgery first...um, no)
orthopedic surgery (don't have the grades)
pulmonology (internal medicine first)
colorectal surgery (general surgery first)
internal medicine (hurl)
8. (39 points) medical oncology (internal medicine first)
general surgery (seriously, shoot me now with those hours and those attitudes)
aerospace medicine (no idea what this is)
9. (38 points) psychiatry (something I thought I would like but is just ok)
preventive medicine (don't know what this is)
obstetrics and gynecology (wow, this is lower than I thought it would be)
10. (37 points) cardiology (internal medicine first)
11. (35 points) family medicine (really liked my rotation, could never do it as a career)
While this list is interesting, if you look at the point spread, it is only a one point difference between each ranking and there are multiple specialties that tied at each rank. So basically, I am just as indecisive as I thought I was. There are a lot I can cross off the list, but of note is that all the ones that I said I would have to do medicine first (ex. endocrine, hematology, nephrology, etc.), I could also do pediatrics first. Now we might have something here. Even though peds is lower on the list, I always said that I would probably not do general peds, I would subspecialize. The highest subspecialty on the list is endocrinology. So I guess according to this list I should do endocrinology over emergency medicine. But again, only by one point.
Also of note, lately I have been saying that if I had 2 lifetimes to live I would spend one of them as a neurosurgeon (and that was as high as emergency on the list). I am exposed to a lot of neurosurgery on my current rotation (neurology), and I am completely in awe of the neurosurgeons and what they do...it is so amazing. However, you literally don't have any other aspect of your life if you have that as your career, and I'm not willing to devote the one lifetime I do have to my career, no matter how awesome it is. (And I also currently don't have the grades.)
Basically this was not that helpful! I just don't know myself well enough I guess, or exactly what I feared would happen is happening...I love something about everything. What to do now?
1. (46 points) ophthalmology (I do not have the grades for this)
dermatology (ditto)
2. (45 points) endocrinology (I would have to do internal medicine first, #7 on this list. yuck)
pathology (um, I said I LIKE talking to people...)
plastic surgery (see #1)
3. (44 points) urology (see #1)
neurosurgery (see #1)
emergency medicine (actually one I was considering!!)
allergy and immunology (I also would have to do internal medicine first)
4. (43 points) anesthesiology (I like TALKING too much for this)
gastroenterology (internal medicine first)
physical medicine and rehabilitation
occupational medicine (I have no idea what this even is)
5. (42 points) radiology (again, I LIKE people...)
rheumatology (internal medicine first)
neurology (I am on this right now and I do like it)
infectious diseases (internal medicine first)
6. (41 points) hematology (internal medicine first)
nephrology (internal medicine first)
radiation oncology (I am not a physicist)
nuclear medicine (again, I am not a physicist)
otolaryngology/ENT (don't have the grades)
pediatrics (another thing I thought I REALLY wanted...hmm, so low on the list!)
7. (40 points) thoracic surgery (general surgery first...um, no)
orthopedic surgery (don't have the grades)
pulmonology (internal medicine first)
colorectal surgery (general surgery first)
internal medicine (hurl)
8. (39 points) medical oncology (internal medicine first)
general surgery (seriously, shoot me now with those hours and those attitudes)
aerospace medicine (no idea what this is)
9. (38 points) psychiatry (something I thought I would like but is just ok)
preventive medicine (don't know what this is)
obstetrics and gynecology (wow, this is lower than I thought it would be)
10. (37 points) cardiology (internal medicine first)
11. (35 points) family medicine (really liked my rotation, could never do it as a career)
While this list is interesting, if you look at the point spread, it is only a one point difference between each ranking and there are multiple specialties that tied at each rank. So basically, I am just as indecisive as I thought I was. There are a lot I can cross off the list, but of note is that all the ones that I said I would have to do medicine first (ex. endocrine, hematology, nephrology, etc.), I could also do pediatrics first. Now we might have something here. Even though peds is lower on the list, I always said that I would probably not do general peds, I would subspecialize. The highest subspecialty on the list is endocrinology. So I guess according to this list I should do endocrinology over emergency medicine. But again, only by one point.
Also of note, lately I have been saying that if I had 2 lifetimes to live I would spend one of them as a neurosurgeon (and that was as high as emergency on the list). I am exposed to a lot of neurosurgery on my current rotation (neurology), and I am completely in awe of the neurosurgeons and what they do...it is so amazing. However, you literally don't have any other aspect of your life if you have that as your career, and I'm not willing to devote the one lifetime I do have to my career, no matter how awesome it is. (And I also currently don't have the grades.)
Basically this was not that helpful! I just don't know myself well enough I guess, or exactly what I feared would happen is happening...I love something about everything. What to do now?
2.17.2010
Thoughts
Just a couple things...
I meant to blog this on Monday, but I got caught up...better late than never. I had my first patient die on Saturday. She came into the hospital late Thursday night with a massive stroke. I saw her on Friday, and she did not look too good. She couldn't follow any commands, she could only move one side of her body, and couldn't open her eyes or track. I had a feeling she wouldn't make it through the weekend, and come Monday I found out I was right...she had swelling in her brain (common with a stroke) and her brain herniated through the bottom of her skull. Even though I only saw her once and didn't have a whole lot of interaction with her, I want to remember her. Everyone remembers their "first" of a lot of things (first patient, first code, first angry patient, etc.), and I think it's important to remember her.
Second, Lent starts today. I did not get ashes today because of being at work (I also didn't look to see when the services were at my church...I might have been able to make one this evening but oh well), but D and I have decided what we're giving up. Fried food and chips. We both came to this exact conclusion separately, which is hilarious. We don't eat these things often, but it is something that we would have to consciously not do, and it is something good to give up. I always try to DO something during Lent as well, not just give things up, and I haven't decided what to do this year yet. Guess I'd better figure it out in the next 4 hours before I go to sleep and do it so I don't start out behind!
I meant to blog this on Monday, but I got caught up...better late than never. I had my first patient die on Saturday. She came into the hospital late Thursday night with a massive stroke. I saw her on Friday, and she did not look too good. She couldn't follow any commands, she could only move one side of her body, and couldn't open her eyes or track. I had a feeling she wouldn't make it through the weekend, and come Monday I found out I was right...she had swelling in her brain (common with a stroke) and her brain herniated through the bottom of her skull. Even though I only saw her once and didn't have a whole lot of interaction with her, I want to remember her. Everyone remembers their "first" of a lot of things (first patient, first code, first angry patient, etc.), and I think it's important to remember her.
Second, Lent starts today. I did not get ashes today because of being at work (I also didn't look to see when the services were at my church...I might have been able to make one this evening but oh well), but D and I have decided what we're giving up. Fried food and chips. We both came to this exact conclusion separately, which is hilarious. We don't eat these things often, but it is something that we would have to consciously not do, and it is something good to give up. I always try to DO something during Lent as well, not just give things up, and I haven't decided what to do this year yet. Guess I'd better figure it out in the next 4 hours before I go to sleep and do it so I don't start out behind!
2.14.2010
V-Day
Today has been an interesting day.
7am- alarm goes off. No chance of getting up. Reset alarm for 8.
8am- alarm goes off again. Lay in bed basking in the sun.
8:30am- get up
9:15am-noon- sister's volleyball tournament with mom and dad. They did great!
Noon-4pm- eat lunch, chat with D, do laundry
4:30-5:30pm- pedicure with D. Too bad I'm so ticklish!
5:30-7pm- eat D's grandma's chicken casserole (SO good), more laundry, more chatting
7-9pm- watch The Holiday with a glass of wine
I basically forgot about it being Valentine's Day today until I left the volleyball tournament and my mom said "Happy Valentine's Day!". I have come to really hate this day. Why should love only get one day of celebration all year? I mean, it would be selfish to celebrate yourself every day, so you have one birthday; it would be silly to celebrate something like the Presidents every day, so they get one assigned day. But love? I mean, come on. This is what makes life worth living...the love you have for yourself, your family, your friends, your dog, your plush towels, etc. You should celebrate the loves in your life every day. Saying "I love you" should never be said out of routine or obligation, but look at the person you're saying it to and really, really mean it. I don't want flowers on this day. I don't want red and pink (I really dislike pink) everything. I would rather be reminded on a random day that someone loves me.
Today I celebrated loving myself. I don't have a significant other to tell me how great I am, so I decided to tell myself. I did what I wanted, I spent time with some of the people I love...I just relaxed. And that is good.
Watching The Holiday and totally being obsessed with Jude Law doesn't hurt, either.
7am- alarm goes off. No chance of getting up. Reset alarm for 8.
8am- alarm goes off again. Lay in bed basking in the sun.
8:30am- get up
9:15am-noon- sister's volleyball tournament with mom and dad. They did great!
Noon-4pm- eat lunch, chat with D, do laundry
4:30-5:30pm- pedicure with D. Too bad I'm so ticklish!
5:30-7pm- eat D's grandma's chicken casserole (SO good), more laundry, more chatting
7-9pm- watch The Holiday with a glass of wine
I basically forgot about it being Valentine's Day today until I left the volleyball tournament and my mom said "Happy Valentine's Day!". I have come to really hate this day. Why should love only get one day of celebration all year? I mean, it would be selfish to celebrate yourself every day, so you have one birthday; it would be silly to celebrate something like the Presidents every day, so they get one assigned day. But love? I mean, come on. This is what makes life worth living...the love you have for yourself, your family, your friends, your dog, your plush towels, etc. You should celebrate the loves in your life every day. Saying "I love you" should never be said out of routine or obligation, but look at the person you're saying it to and really, really mean it. I don't want flowers on this day. I don't want red and pink (I really dislike pink) everything. I would rather be reminded on a random day that someone loves me.
Today I celebrated loving myself. I don't have a significant other to tell me how great I am, so I decided to tell myself. I did what I wanted, I spent time with some of the people I love...I just relaxed. And that is good.
Watching The Holiday and totally being obsessed with Jude Law doesn't hurt, either.
2.08.2010
Fresh
Quick re-cap: my last week of Psych was really fun. It was a consultation service, so we were visiting patients who were in the hospital for non-psych reasons or for suicide attempts. Their primary physicians thought there was something psychiatric going on (either causing their problem or a separate problem that needed to be addressed) and wanted our opinion on what to do about it. It was nice to sit, talk the patients about what they thought was going on or what was bothering them, make a recommendation, and walk away. I didn't have to continue to see the patient and be frustrated that they weren't getting better. I do not think I will end up in psych, but I did enjoy a lot of things about it.
I started Neuro today; it was just orientation and a lecture on neuroimaging. I am pretty excited to be at the hospital I am for this rotation. It is world-renowned for neurology, and I know I will learn so much and see so many interesting cases. The only thing I am worried about is liking neurology so much that it throws another wrench in my attempt to figure out what I want to do with my life!
This last weekend was very nice- no studying, no plans, no responsibilities! I had wanted to go on a mini-vacation, but that wasn't in the cards, so I made the best of staying at home! I saw my sister's volleyball team take first place in their tournament, saw my best friend who had just gotten into town, had a little Super Bowl party, and tried to sleep in as much as possible. It's sad to be back at school already, but being excited about this rotation helps me get through it!
I started Neuro today; it was just orientation and a lecture on neuroimaging. I am pretty excited to be at the hospital I am for this rotation. It is world-renowned for neurology, and I know I will learn so much and see so many interesting cases. The only thing I am worried about is liking neurology so much that it throws another wrench in my attempt to figure out what I want to do with my life!
This last weekend was very nice- no studying, no plans, no responsibilities! I had wanted to go on a mini-vacation, but that wasn't in the cards, so I made the best of staying at home! I saw my sister's volleyball team take first place in their tournament, saw my best friend who had just gotten into town, had a little Super Bowl party, and tried to sleep in as much as possible. It's sad to be back at school already, but being excited about this rotation helps me get through it!
1.26.2010
Funk
I'm in a bit of a funk today.
I haven't been sleeping well at all the past few nights. I am so tired around 6-7pm, but then as soon as 9-10pm rolls around and I try to lay down to go to sleep, my mind is WIRED. It is going 3000 miles a minute. Thinking about literally EVERY aspect of my life for the next 10 years...my 4th year schedule, boards, where I'll do my residency, what I am going to do about my living situation (buy a house, don't buy a house, where, etc.), if I'll get married, what kind of stuff I want in my house, what I'll look like (if I'll have more wrinkles, if I'll be fatter/skinnier/the same, what color my hair will be, etc.), what I'll do after residency, if I want a private practice or not, how many hours a week I'll work, what I'll do outside of work...
Seriously, it goes on and on and on.
So, I'm not sleeping well. I am thinking about a lot of things. I'm a little anxious. My stomach always feels nervous (and a bad nervous, not like excited butterflies nervous). I don't feel quite like myself. I don't feel quite so confident. I seem to be focusing on the bad things about myself (or at least things I don't like) instead of appreciating all of the good qualities I have. I am fairly unsure of myself, and I find myself thinking (along with everything else) about things I've done in the past few months/things I have said and reliving those conversations/moments in my head, wondering how they looked to the other people around me at the time, what I could have said/done differently, what those people probably think of me now, what I think of myself now, etc. And it's not like I'm thinking about really monumental, decisive moments. I think of random conversations I had during the day 2 months ago or that one patient I interviewed or when I hung out with so-and-so for an hour.
This is freaking me out. And I'm freaked out that it freaks me out. Etc. Clearly I have a lot of cascading thoughts; one thought just leads into another. I'm freaking sick of it! It has only been going on 2 days but it is crazy. It had better stop soon, or I had better get a handle on it, or else I may join my patients on a psych ward! (not really, but you know what I mean) I am pretty sure that on the outside no one would know that I'm thinking all of this stuff...I am able to focus on my work and do a good job, I am able to have a normal conversation, etc. So it is not seriously disturbing my life, but it is disturbing my head!
So 2 days ago, I was totally calm and had a handle on everything. Today I'm seriously obsessing over everything. Are we done with this rollercoaster yet?!?
I haven't been sleeping well at all the past few nights. I am so tired around 6-7pm, but then as soon as 9-10pm rolls around and I try to lay down to go to sleep, my mind is WIRED. It is going 3000 miles a minute. Thinking about literally EVERY aspect of my life for the next 10 years...my 4th year schedule, boards, where I'll do my residency, what I am going to do about my living situation (buy a house, don't buy a house, where, etc.), if I'll get married, what kind of stuff I want in my house, what I'll look like (if I'll have more wrinkles, if I'll be fatter/skinnier/the same, what color my hair will be, etc.), what I'll do after residency, if I want a private practice or not, how many hours a week I'll work, what I'll do outside of work...
Seriously, it goes on and on and on.
So, I'm not sleeping well. I am thinking about a lot of things. I'm a little anxious. My stomach always feels nervous (and a bad nervous, not like excited butterflies nervous). I don't feel quite like myself. I don't feel quite so confident. I seem to be focusing on the bad things about myself (or at least things I don't like) instead of appreciating all of the good qualities I have. I am fairly unsure of myself, and I find myself thinking (along with everything else) about things I've done in the past few months/things I have said and reliving those conversations/moments in my head, wondering how they looked to the other people around me at the time, what I could have said/done differently, what those people probably think of me now, what I think of myself now, etc. And it's not like I'm thinking about really monumental, decisive moments. I think of random conversations I had during the day 2 months ago or that one patient I interviewed or when I hung out with so-and-so for an hour.
This is freaking me out. And I'm freaked out that it freaks me out. Etc. Clearly I have a lot of cascading thoughts; one thought just leads into another. I'm freaking sick of it! It has only been going on 2 days but it is crazy. It had better stop soon, or I had better get a handle on it, or else I may join my patients on a psych ward! (not really, but you know what I mean) I am pretty sure that on the outside no one would know that I'm thinking all of this stuff...I am able to focus on my work and do a good job, I am able to have a normal conversation, etc. So it is not seriously disturbing my life, but it is disturbing my head!
So 2 days ago, I was totally calm and had a handle on everything. Today I'm seriously obsessing over everything. Are we done with this rollercoaster yet?!?
1.23.2010
Relax
I have vacuumed the apartment, I'm sitting on the couch with the windows/patio door open to enjoy the BEAUTIFUL weather, and I am trying to just relax.
My 4th year schedule is essentially done. I may need to flip two electives depending on scheduling availability, but I have made my decisions. It is set up to cover me for either ED or Peds. I hope this is the right decision, but if it's not I will just worry about it when that time comes.
I am studying for the Psych shelf exam. I have enough of a head start that I think it will be alright.
I have a plan for my Step 2 boards. I think it is a good plan. Still needs some more detail, but it is starting to come together.
When I have a day like this, with beautiful weather and nothing on the schedule, I try to relax. And I am very glad that I am happy in my current environment; it makes it that much easier to ignore the small things, rationalize through the big things, and just be.
It's a good day.
My 4th year schedule is essentially done. I may need to flip two electives depending on scheduling availability, but I have made my decisions. It is set up to cover me for either ED or Peds. I hope this is the right decision, but if it's not I will just worry about it when that time comes.
I am studying for the Psych shelf exam. I have enough of a head start that I think it will be alright.
I have a plan for my Step 2 boards. I think it is a good plan. Still needs some more detail, but it is starting to come together.
When I have a day like this, with beautiful weather and nothing on the schedule, I try to relax. And I am very glad that I am happy in my current environment; it makes it that much easier to ignore the small things, rationalize through the big things, and just be.
It's a good day.
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